


The Infinite Curse Of A Lonely Heart

by loves_books



Category: The A-Team (2010), The A-Team - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Face/everyone, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-25 22:10:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18710659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loves_books/pseuds/loves_books
Summary: Murdock desperately wants more than just a couple of nights a month – or a couple of nights a week, if it’s been a bad job – but he knows that while Face is many things, he is not faithful. He never will be.Face never promised Murdock anything more than they’ve got right now, and Murdock will never, ever ask.





	1. Chapter 1

Face is glorious.

Is it any wonder that everyone wants him? 

And Face seems to want everyone in return. He makes no secret of the fact that he loves sex, and he has the incredible gift of finding something beautiful about every single person he meets, whether that’s their laugh or their hair, or their kindness or the curve of their hip.

Even more than just enjoying sex, Face actually seems to need it. He’s a little bit broken and a little bit screwed up, but Murdock wouldn’t change him for anything in the world. He loves Face, and he knows Face loves him too, though that isn’t enough. Murdock isn’t enough, and he never will be.

Face never makes Murdock any false promises – he’s a conman and a scam artist of the first degree, by his own admission, but he’s not a liar, at least not with those he considers friends – and Murdock always reminds himself to just be grateful for whatever time he does have alone with Face.

Face is a fair man and he believes in equality, in spite of his reputation as a womaniser, and so the nights he spends in Murdock’s bed aren’t as predictable as people might imagine. 

Sometimes, yes, Face lays Murdock out on his back, and there are tender, burning kisses and hot, stroking hands, fingertips calloused from years of handling weapons and fighting rough in the field, roaming all over Murdock’s sensitive body to bring all his senses to life and make his whole world implode. Sometimes, yes, it’s Face who takes Murdock, but equally there are nights when Face is the one on his back.

Or on his hands and knees, a sight which Murdock loves more than any other. To see Face in all his golden sculptured glory, curly head hanging low as those gorgeous muscles flex and tense with each stretching push of Murdock’s fingers, then to hear Face cry out when Murdock finally pushes himself home – that’s what Murdock loves most.

He knows it’s a sign of trust that Face comes to him at all, let alone gives himself to Murdock in such an intimate way. For Face, vulnerability of any kind is a weakness he abhors in himself, though he’s more than accepting of it in others. Murdock feels honoured that his best friend allows himself to be seen like that when they are alone and naked.

Murdock desperately wants more than just a couple of nights a month – or a couple of nights a week, if it’s been a bad job – but he knows that while Face is many things, he is not faithful. He never will be.

Face never promised Murdock anything more than they’ve got right now, and Murdock will never, ever ask. Deep down, he knows Face needs something more than just him to fill the emptiness inside – Face is broken, differently to the way in which Murdock is broken.

Sometimes, Face goes to Bosco. Murdock can hear them through the walls, as much as he can also tell that they’re trying to keep quiet. Choked-off grunts and moans, and he wonders if the big guy actually _is_ choking Face, those big, strong hands wrapped around Face’s long, delicate neck. Wonders if that’s something that Face needs. That isn’t something Murdock can offer him, so he tries to be glad Face has the big guy for that.

Murdock imagines it being hard and fast between Face and BA, two well-built figures wrestling for domination in the bedroom. The headboard banging against the wall certainly suggests as much, and often Murdock can’t help but notice Face limping a little the morning after. Once, though, it’s BA walking a little funny, which gives Murdock pause. He didn’t think the big guy swung that way.

That’ll teach Murdock to assume anything. He should know better.

* * *

One particular ‘morning after’, in the tiny kitchenette of Hannibal’s tiny off-base house, BA limps into the room and gives Murdock an odd look, not quite angry and not quite questioning. Challenging, almost.

“Don’t ask,” he grumbles, the hint of a smile on his lips.

“Don’t tell, right?” Murdock retorts immediately, the response almost as ingrained as breathing, but BA’s face falls at his words.

“Murdock, man, you know it ain’t – You know how he is.”

And isn’t that the most sweeping yet honest statement ever? “How he _is_ ,” Murdock muses, while BA makes himself busy finding cereal and milk. “How _he_ is.”

“He’ll be off with someone else tonight, you know that.” BA means it as a joke, but Murdock can feel his own face sink a little under the weight of that knowledge, no matter how he tries to hide it. “Aw, fool. Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Murdock knows, then, that BA knows how much more he really wants from Face. The big guy has always been the strong silent observer of their team, after all.

“He always comes back to you, more than to any of us.” A pause, as BA does the obvious math. “Well, more than he comes to me at any rate. Look, if you’d rather I stopped it with him – ”

“No.” It’s an incredibly generous offer, more than Murdock would ever have asked or expected from BA, but he shakes his head and plasters on his widest smile. “Ain’t no one ever been able to stop the Faceman from doing what he wants, not even you, Bosco Baracus. Now, are you gonna make me some pancakes or do I have to wait until Face and Hannibal get back from their run?”

BA looks relieved at the change of topic, and the moment is gone as swiftly as it arrived. They don’t speak of the matter again, though occasionally they may share a knowing glance when Face is doing the six a.m. walk of shame and being completely unashamed about it.

* * *

Face is glorious, and how could anyone ever resist him? Murdock knows BA was kicked out of the Rangers first time around for DADT, though it’s something they never talk about, so he should be on his toes more than any of them. But Face is truly impossible to refuse. 

Besides, they all have Hannibal now, if things do fall apart. Hannibal, who guides them and protects them all, and who had Face first. Murdock always takes great pleasure in watching Hannibal and Face together, both at work and at play – the years they’ve known each other really show, with their unique dynamic set in stone and not even rocked an inch when Murdock and BA gate-crashed their party.

Face goes to Hannibal more often than he goes to either Murdock or BA, though not more often than he spends out and about, flirting and fucking his way through whatever camp or base or town they’re passing through. Face is something of a whore, as he is the always first to admit when anyone tries to tease him about it, but Murdock doesn’t see that as a bad thing necessarily. The whoring does a whole lot of good for the team when Face calls in a favour earned in the bedroom, and it also seems to do a lot of good for Face himself, boosting both his energy and his confidence.

It always amazes Murdock that there is never a string of broken hearts left behind when the team move on, and he can only assume that Face is every bit as honest with his one night stands as he is with his team. No promises, not even one, just a single night of breath-taking pleasure. A little bit of comfort in the dark. A chance to feel less alone. A chance to feel anything at all.

Murdock always tries not to picture Face with any of his many lovers, but with Hannibal and Face, though, he can’t help but wonder how it works. Unlike with BA and Face, these two men aren’t equals and won’t ever be, as much as Hannibal might welcome Face’s thoughts on one of his plans and be willing to debate their sanity. Hannibal is their Colonel and Face is their Lieutenant, and Murdock simply can’t imagine that dynamic changing much behind closed doors.

Most likely, Hannibal just pins Face to the bed and makes Face take everything he’s got. 

And Murdock’s seen Hannibal in the showers: the man’s got a whole lot to give.

But Face comes back around to Murdock eventually, and he’s the best friend Murdock’s ever had, even without the occasional night of incredible sex. They read comic books and watch old sci fi shows, and they mess around in Murdock’s wacky world of make believe. Face never makes Murdock feel stupid or crazy, and he’s a little crazy himself, in the best possible way.

Murdock simply longs for more. He fell in love with his best friend a long time ago – fell in lust first, back in that crazy Mexican hospital on day one, while waving around a little blow torch and staring into the most incredible blue eyes he’d ever seen. Love came slowly alongside deeper knowledge and understanding, of Face’s bravery and brilliance, of his quick wit and incredible mind, and of his generosity and vulnerability and all his broken pieces.

And yes, of course it’s physical too, how could it not be? Those abs, and those legs, and those cheekbones, and those arms… Face works hard taking care of his body, putting in long hours at the gym and using special shampoos for his hair and creams for his skin, and it shows. He’s gorgeous, and Murdock sometimes suspects there’s a not-so-small part of Face that believes his only worth is in his body and his looks. 

The thought makes him a little sad, but he doesn’t know how to show Face he feels differently.

* * *

Hannibal knows, of course. Hannibal sees everything and understands everything, and in some ways Murdock is surprised their Colonel hasn’t taken him to one side long before now. 

Hannibal’s bright blue-grey eyes are sympathetic, his voice low and calm when he corners Murdock in the yard one evening, while Face and BA are competing over the grill and who can nuke a steak better than Murdock can. It’s a competition they can’t win, of course, but Murdock can hardly tear his eyes away from Face’s wide grin.

“You need to talk to him, son.” 

“And say what, exactly?” Murdock doesn’t even bother asking what Hannibal means. He’d walked face-first into the colonel that morning, Hannibal coming out of Face’s bedroom wearing only a towel while Murdock had been headed for the shower, the whole team holed up at Hannibal’s house for a few days between missions as they so often did. Murdock’s feelings must have been written all over his face.

“Tell him that you want more,” Hannibal replies immediately, and Murdock can feel those bright eyes boring into his skull intently, though he still can’t find the strength to look away from Face. “That you aren’t happy.”

Murdock snorts, softly. “What I want doesn’t matter.” 

“Of course it does.” One of Hannibal’s huge hands lands gently on Murdock’s shoulder. “He would hate that he’s hurting you. I know I hate it. I’m sorry.” A pause, a squeeze. “I could say something to him, if you wanted?”

“No!” God, no, Murdock can’t imagine anything worse. He opens his mouth to soften his comments, but Hannibal squeezes his shoulder tightly, silencing him without a sound.

When Hannibal speaks again, his words are little more than a whisper, though they cut straight to Murdock’s heart. “Then I won’t say a word, don’t worry. But I don’t think things can carry on like this for much longer, do you?”

And with one final squeeze, Hannibal leaves Murdock alone with his thoughts, watching across the yard as Face laughs with BA and greets Hannibal with a fistbump.

* * *

The months go by, and nothing changes, though Hannibal’s words seem to have burrowed deep into Murdock’s skull and set up home there. Murdock just tries to suck it all up and carry on as normal, whatever the hell normal might be. Face continues to sleep around between missions and Murdock continues to cherish the nights they do have together, and he doesn’t dare rock the boat by saying a single word.

He wants to, though. He wants to tell Face everything.

He wants more. It’s not enough, the moments they do share, though the sex is always fantastic.

And that’s all Face ever wants, even when he’s hurting. He comes to Murdock one night, clearly still in pain, and lies down carefully on his back. He tries to pull Murdock over him, tries to guide his hands into position, but Murdock resists instinctively.

“Not like this, Faceman,” he whispers, eyes roaming over Face’s naked body. Face is utterly unselfconscious even at the best of times, and usually Murdock enjoys nothing more than staring at his friend’s gloriously nude figure, but not tonight. Not like this.

“It’s not so bad, buddy.” Face tries on a smile, and it’s not a bad effort, though it doesn’t quite reach those bright blue eyes. “I’ve had worse.”

Murdock shakes his head, stroking his fingertips very carefully over Face’s ribcage, right over the worst of the bruising on his left side. And sure enough Face winces, sucking in a sharp breath. “Yeah, I know you’ve had worse, but still. I almost – We almost lost you.”

He’d been convinced Face was gone for good, his heart shattering into a thousand pieces as he watched Face fall from the roof of the moving lorry during their most recent mission. Well, not fall. Get thrown from the roof, really, by two enemy soldiers, just as the lorry itself was on a bridge over a deep and fast-flowing river.

Face had probably lost another one of his nine lives that night as he’d plummeted into the water. It must have felt like hitting concrete, but miraculously he’d walked away with nothing more than a slightly twisted ankle, a minor lung infection, and some bruising. The ankle had healed by the time they’d reached the States, and the infection had dissolved quickly into nothing but an occasional cough, but the bruising was still awful, even six days since his fall.

Murdock strokes his fingers lower as Face sighs heavily, tracing over the defined pecs and abs he loves so very much. The bruising is still a deep shade of blue-black, barely fading to yellow at the very edges, and the skin is warm and slightly swollen. The worst of it spreads from his ribs right down to his hip on the left side, then there are patches all over Face’s toned belly, and on his thighs, his back, his arm…

Face seems uncomfortable under Murdock’s tender touch and careful scrutiny, and he squirms a little, hisses another painful sounding breath. “Murdock, man, I need – ”

“No.” It almost hurts to say it, to deny Face what he so clearly wants, but Murdock just can’t. “There’s nothing we can do tonight that won’t hurt you. Unless you’re willing to actually take some painkillers?” He means it as nothing more than a joke, knowing Face won’t take the pills the docs prescribed for him, but Face seems to actually consider it for a moment before shaking his head resolutely.

“No pills. A good orgasm or two will work far better, trust me.” For all his confident words, Murdock can see Face is still limp, and he steels himself, lying carefully down by Face’s side and resting his head gingerly on a bruised shoulder.

“Why don’t we just get some rest?” he suggests, stroking gentle circles over Face’s sore stomach with the flat of his hand. “Just you and me, nice and warm and quiet.”

For a second he thinks it will work, that Face will stay with him and just sleep and cuddle for once in their complicated relationship, but then he feels it, the moment Face tenses his stomach muscles and sits up with a faint groan, sliding his arm out from underneath Murdock in the process. “Appreciate the thought, buddy, but I really need something more tonight. If you won’t then – ”

“You gonna go see BA or the boss instead? You think one of them will fuck you when I won’t?” The bitter words slip from Murdock’s lips before he can swallow them down, and he rolls over in the bed to press his face into the pillows, unwilling to see Face’s reaction. He’s afraid he’s already said too much.

There is silence for a second, then a warm and familiar hand comes to rest between Murdock’s shoulder blades, rubbing gently, apologetically. “I’m sorry, Murdock.” 

“I nearly lost you,” Murdock whispers into the pillows, squeezing his eyes shut against the prickle of tears, and Face’s hand lifts away instantly with an audible intake of breath. The quick, clever conman is putting the pieces together, and Murdock can’t stop now. He takes a deep breath of his own, and dares to ask, “Please, stay with me tonight, darlin’? I need you to just stay with me.”

The words hang heavily in the air between them, and for a split-second Murdock dares to believe Face will actually stay. Maybe Face feels the same way, and has wanted more for months. Maybe Face loves Murdock the way Murdock loves Face.

Maybe.

Maybe…

“I’m sorry,” Face whispers again, then Murdock feels the dip of the mattress as Face stands with a pained grunt. He keeps his head buried in the pillow until he hears the bedroom door open then click shut again as Face leaves. Only then does he let the tears fall.

* * *

Murdock can’t sleep that night, and he rises from his bed long before dawn, making coffee in the kitchen with heavy, bleary eyes. Wondering where Face ended up. Wondering if Face is okay.

Hannibal is the next one to appear, just as the kitchen is starting to fill with the pale pink light of early morning. He doesn’t seem at all surprised to see Murdock sitting at the table, nor does he say a single word until he’s downed his first cup of coffee and poured himself a second, silently refilling Murdock’s own mug at the same time. Only then does he pull out a chair opposite and sit down heavily with a tired sigh.

“He’s in my bed, asleep.” 

At Hannibal’s calm, matter-of-fact words, Murdock closes his eyes briefly. Of course Face would go to Hannibal. “Did you…?” He can hardly bare to ask, and he certainly doesn’t want to know the answer, but it’s Face and Face is hurting and – 

“No, we didn’t.” Murdock can’t hide his sigh of relief, though Hannibal continues, “He jerked himself off when he thought I’d fallen asleep.” 

Oh, of course he did. Murdock shakes his head, too worn out to feel anything much. “Right,” he breathes, sipping at his coffee and staring at the table, unwilling to meet Hannibal’s penetrating gaze.

“What happened?” Hannibal asks him softly. “He was almost frantic when he came to me. Desperate. I hadn’t expected him at all, thought he would’ve gone to you.”

Murdock laughs, a twisted, bitter little sound even to his own ears. “I said no,” he tells Hannibal. “Told him I didn’t want to hurt him. Asked him to just stay with me for the night instead. Called him darlin’.”

Hannibal puts two and two together immediately, making a perfect four. He takes a slow, measured breath. Pauses. Then – “What did he say to that?” 

“He said he was sorry. Then he left me.” And went to you, Murdock doesn’t have to say, though Hannibal bobs his head once in an almost-apology.

“And how are you doing?” Murdock can’t answer, and Hannibal’s eyes turn soft and understanding in the cool morning light. “Well, at least he knows now. For better or for worse.”

There’s no way it can be for better, Murdock thinks hysterically. It’s all over now.

But then Face meets her. And everything changes.


	2. Chapter 2

For the longest time, Murdock doesn’t know exactly what changes, only that something has. He doesn’t know Face has met someone. Face doesn’t come to him at night anymore, but that isn’t surprising in any way, given what they’d both said and not-quite-said. He doesn’t know when Face meets her, or where their first encounter took place. He finds out later that they were introduced by mutual friends, a sharpshooter buddy of Face’s dating one of her best girlfriends. 

Not that it matters.

What matters is that this time seems different. Face goes out every single night they’re home, and for the first time in all the years Murdock’s known him, he seems happy. And quiet. There’s no bragging, not that Face was ever one for really showing off about his conquests, and there’s no mention of who he’s been with or what he’s been up to.

What matters the most is that Murdock hears about it all through the gossipy grapevine, rather than from Face. They don’t talk much now, not about anything important, though they’ve somehow kept their friendship more or less intact, and Murdock is learning how to bury his feelings all over again. It hurts, but he’s used to that.

He’d assumed Face was just sleeping his way around the base for the third or fourth time, when it turns out that he’s been with the same woman each and every night.

A fellow lieutenant, apparently. Ambitious, brilliant, beautiful if you’re into that sort of thing – that’s what Murdock hears, at least, when he asks around. High-flying, determined, pushy. 

He digs a little deeper, and wishes he hadn’t. The word ‘ruthless’ comes up again and again and again. So does the word ‘bitch’.

By the time Face finally brings her home to meet them, Murdock already feels like he knows everything he wants to know about Charissa Sosa, and not much of it is anywhere even approaching good. 

* * *

“So?” Hannibal sounds oddly hesitant asking the question, once Face has swept Sosa away for a dinner date, leaving the three of them sitting around the kitchen table. “What do we think?”

Murdock finds a small stain on the ceiling to stare at, rather than looking at either Hannibal or BA. “She’s pretty,” he says eventually, when the silence has grown almost too thick to bear. “They look good together.”

Murdock might not swing that way, but even he can see that the two lieutenants make a stunning pair. Sosa is slender and toned, with a sleek mane of gorgeous dark hair and bright eyes, and in her high heels she stood eye to eye with Face. She hadn’t seemed at all nervous meeting Hannibal and the team, her handshake firm and her smile unwavering, though to Murdock it had all felt a little false.

“I don’t like her.” Typical BA, blunt and honest. Murdock smiles at the ceiling. “And he likes her much more than she likes him.”

That’s it exactly. Murdock has been trying to put his finger on what felt so wrong, and BA has nailed it in a few simple words, as he so often does. 

Hannibal hums softly in what could be agreement or not. After a long pause he says, “The kid seems happy, though.”

And that’s the kicker. Face really had seemed happy, holding Sosa’s hand tightly and gazing at her with an unfamiliar look in those bright blue eyes of his. Lust, certainly, or maybe even love. Murdock really, really hopes it isn’t love. 

“He seemed nervous, like he was bringing her home to meet his parents.” At BA’s thoughtless words, Murdock finds the strength to look away from the stain and takes a huge breath to point out the blindingly obvious, but Hannibal gets there first.

“In a way, he was. We’re all the family he’s got.” 

“Some twisted family, right?” BA pushes on before either of them can answer, as blunt yet accurate as ever. “Has he come to either of you since he met her?”

Hannibal shakes his head once, his face as grey as his hair, and Murdock manages to whisper, “No.”

BA hangs his head with a sigh. “She’s gonna break his heart,” he warns quietly, sounding far too resigned. “But he ain’t gonna listen to us, is he?”

The moment any one of them say a single bad word against Charisa Sosa, Murdock somehow knows they’ll lose Face forever. And maybe the three of them are wrong. Maybe she really does love him. Maybe their first impressions are skewed by their own feelings.

“All we can do is make sure he knows we’re here for him, however it all ends up,” Hannibal says decisively, looking first to BA then to Murdock. “Do we think we can do that?”

Murdock hears everything Hannibal isn’t asking, and he can almost feel his own heart splintering a little more. He wants to promise that he’ll be good, but he’s not sure if he can be, and in the end he settles for saying, “I just want him to be happy.”

BA nods in agreement. “Me too.”

* * *

They manage, just about, mostly because they don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about _her_.

When they’re out in the field, it’s as if nothing has changed. The four of them are perfectly in sync, despite Hannibal’s wacky plans and the inevitable last-minute changes, and they solidify their reputation as the go-to Alpha unit for missions that seem completely impossible.

In the field, Murdock has genuinely never been happier in his entire life. He knows he’s crazy, but in the field his brand of crazy works alongside Hannibal’s brand of crazy and BA’s brand of crazy and Face’s brand of crazy. They’re soldiers but they’re also brothers, even Hannibal who is also The Boss, and Murdock lives for those nights when they’re camping together under the stars in the desert or huddled together in the back of a jeep.

In the field, Face is Murdock’s best friend again, his perfect other half. In the field, Face has always been professional – at least, as professional as any of them ever get – so Murdock doesn’t miss the sex or focus on the way his heart breaks when he thinks about Face with Sosa. 

It’s when they land back in the States that everything crashes back down on Murdock, like a tidal wave dragging him under. Because the moment they land, Face goes to find her, with barely a word of goodbye, and Murdock’s heart breaks all over again.

* * *

Sosa is networking, Murdock realises after a few long months, and it’s like he’s been struck by lightning. She’s using Face as arm candy to get into all the big on-base functions, the balls and parties and social gatherings. She could get in by herself, of course, but with Face on her arm she is guaranteed to be the centre of attention. And Face has connections, built over years of his own particular style of networking, of favours and cons and being the man everyone wants to know.

There’s no way to tell Face about Sosa, though, not without alienating him forever. 

And maybe she does love him, in her own way. Maybe she’s not just using him. But she definitely _is_ using him.

Murdock just watches, and tries hard not to push Face further away. They’ve reached a happy medium again, months after Murdock let his true feelings slip from his lips, but still – 

“I miss you,” Murdock whispers one evening without thinking, and Face pauses on his way out to meet Sosa, glancing back over his shoulder with a bemused grin hovering on his lips.

“I’m right here, buddy. I’m not going anywhere.”

Murdock shakes his head, just once, and Face’s smile fades in an instant. “You know what I mean.”

“Murdock, I – ”

“She’ll never love you like I do.”

And Face closes his eyes for a split-second, as if he’s in pain, before he just turns and walks away, leaving Murdock cursing himself for saying anything at all.

* * *

BA and Hannibal are watching, too. Watching the happy couple. Watching Murdock. Waiting for it to all fall apart.

It feels as if the whole team are holding their breath.

And Murdock can hardly bear it.

* * *

He tries to avoid her, as much as he can, and she seems to be avoiding him in return. Seems to be avoiding all of them, really, as if she knows they aren’t her biggest fans. Although, maybe Face is the one keeping them apart. Maybe Face can tell. Maybe Face has his own doubts.

Whatever the reason, the five of them are rarely in the same place at the same time for more than a few minutes, until one night. A barbecue out back at the General’s house, a dozen or so specially invited guests, and of course Hannibal’s A-Team are there, along with her.

After managing a polite ‘hello’ when they arrived, Murdock determinedly continues his policy of ignoring her, until he can’t. Without quite realising how it happens, he finds himself sitting alone at a table with her, in an awkward silence.

She looks stunning, objectively speaking. Slim fitting jeans and knee-high boots, a plain white button-up shirt on top, matching Face’s own white-shirt-and-jeans combo, whether deliberately or not. Her long hair is swept up into a casual ponytail, sleek like a waterfall, and she’s still wearing her dark sunglasses though the sun has just dipped below the horizon.

Murdock suddenly feels like a slob in his cargo pants and Hawaiian shirt.

The silence quickly grows, deepening into something almost unbearable, and Murdock has just decided he’s going to leave when suddenly Sosa says, quite casually, “I don’t think you like me very much, Captain.”

Fair point. Murdock settles back into his chair and takes a slow sip from his bottled beer before replying, equally casually, “You might be right there, Lieutenant.” Sosa just smiles tightly. “And I don’t think you like me very much either. Or the rest of my team.”

An elegant shrug, a brief pursing of pouty lips. “You might be right there.” Honest, at least, and Murdock has to give her credit for that much. 

But he can’t just leave it there. “I don’t think you like _him_ very much either, though. Not really. And that’s a problem for me.”

Another shrug, and Sosa lifts off her sunglasses, her brown eyes hard as she stares at him across the table. “And I think _you_ like him a bit too much.”

Another fair point, though Murdock can’t help noticing that it’s not a denial in any way. 

A confirmation, really.

“Please don’t break his heart?” Murdock doesn’t mean it to come out as a question, of course, and he hates the faint crack that he can hear in his voice. “He doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good man.”

At that, Sosa finally blinks and looks down at the table. “He is a good man,” she agrees after a long pause. “And I won’t ever hurt him deliberately, I promise.”

There’s nothing more to be said between them, and Murdock places his empty beer bottle carefully down on the table with a nod, then leaves.

* * *

Another mission, a three-week deployment that turns into nearly two months of hell, and when they finally board a military flight home from Germany, each of them is a little bit broken. Hannibal has his right arm in a cast from fingertips to elbow, which is seriously cramping his ability to smoke his stinky cigars. BA’s bruises are all internal, ribs and spleen and both kidneys, while Murdock is on crutches thanks to a severely sprained knee. But, as is so often the case, Face has taken the worst of it. 

For the first time, Sosa is waiting to meet them when they land, and Murdock sees the way she visibly pales when she finally lays eyes on Face, sitting stiffly in the wheelchair the medics insisted on. For the first time, Murdock feels sorry for her, though he still doesn’t like her one little bit. 

This is the first time Face has been hurt since he’s been with her, and it isn’t as bad as it looks, though it’s still pretty bad. Two cracked vertebrae at the base of his spine after a nasty fall from a helicopter – not one Murdock was piloting, of course – and he’ll be wearing a strict back brace for the next six months, sleeping flat on his back on a wooden board with his knees propped up. The whole team are on restricted duties until he recovers; thankfully the general knows they’re useless apart.

Murdock expects Sosa to run screaming into the distance but, to her credit, she stays. In fact, she goes above and beyond what Murdock would have expected, and Face actually moves into her apartment when they release him from two days observation in the base hospital. 

Hannibal’s house is strangely quiet without Face there, bitching and moaning about his injuries. The three of them are still healing up themselves, of course, still on medical leave, but Murdock somehow knows he isn’t the only one missing their fourth teammate.

“Are you still in love with him?” Hannibal asks one night, out of the blue, the two of them alone in the living room. The hefty plaster cast on Hannibal’s arm is gone now, replaced instead by a blue fabric brace, and he’s been marginally easier to deal with since he perfected the art of holding his cigars in his left hand. “Face, I mean.”

“I know who you mean.” Who else could Hannibal ever mean?

“Well?” Hannibal prompts, steely eyes watching him like a hawk.

Murdock sighs. There’s no point lying to Hannibal, never has been and never will be. “Of course I’m still in love with him,” he says quietly. “I think I always will be.”

He accepted it a long time ago, the fact that Face will never love him in return. It was harder to accept the fact that Sosa has something that he clearly doesn’t. The fact that she might actually love Face back.

Hannibal sighs this time, opening his mouth to speak again, but Murdock quickly cuts him off. “Don’t, bossman. It’s okay, so long as he’s happy.” A sudden thought hits him and he asks, “Are _you_ okay? With him and her, I mean?”

“I miss him, of course I do. I love the kid, but I’ve never been in love.” Murdock waits patiently for Hannibal to finish his sentence – in love ‘with him’, surely, but the words never come and his heart breaks a little for their brilliant and brave colonel. 

“Hannibal, I – ”

“Don’t, Murdock.” And Hannibal quickly leaves the room.

* * *

Six months is a long time to be grounded, for all of them, though BA, Hannibal and Murdock return to restricted duties on base after only two. They see Face once or twice a week, and he seems to be healing well, happily playing house with Sosa. It’s strange to see him so domestic, even while he walks so carefully in his stiff brace. He seems happy.

Murdock firmly tells himself he’s happy too. BA certainly seems happy enough, though it’s surprisingly hard to read him sometimes, and the two of them spend more time together than they ever have done before, either hanging around in Hannibal’s garage or playing Call of Duty on the sofa. They even sleep together a few times, literally curled up together in BA’s bed, and they fuck just once. It’s awkward and, even though they do both find their release somehow, it’s deeply unsatisfying and they silently agree to never discuss it or repeat it.

Even Hannibal seems happy enough until he returns home one night, four months after their last true mission. He’s pale and his lips are drawn into a thin tight line. He seems shaken as he sinks into his favourite armchair, and Murdock exchanges a worried glance with BA as he flicks the television to standby.

“Boss?” It’s BA that speaks first, big hands braced on his thighs as if ready to spring into action. “What’s happened?”

“It’s Face,” Hannibal tells them, his voice carefully calm, and Murdock’s heart immediately starts to race. “He’s going to propose.”

“What the hell?” BA, again, and Murdock feels as if the world is spinning around him. “You can’t be serious. _He_ can’t be serious.”

“He’s bought a ring. He showed it to me, wanted to ask my permission.” 

No wonder Hannibal seems so shaken. Murdock wants to go to their colonel, wants to wrap him up in an embrace that would no doubt be awkward for both of them, but he doubts his legs will hold him up at the moment. Instead, he sags sideways into BA, and the big guy immediately lifts an arm to wrap around his shoulders, pulling him close.

“There’s no way she’ll say yes,” BA whispers. “No way she’d want to marry him.”

Murdock snorts at that, even as his eyes fill with tears he refuses to let fall. “Really?” he asks, knowing exactly how desperate he sounds. “Who wouldn’t want to marry him?”

* * *

Of course Sosa says yes. 

Murdock tries his hardest to be pleased for them at their engagement party a week later, Face standing unnaturally straight in his back brace and Sosa happily showing off her ring to everyone who asks. It’s a sapphire rather than a diamond, her favourite apparently, and all Murdock can think of is how it’s the exact same colour as Face’s eyes.

For all Face’s enforced bodily stiffness, he seems absolutely delighted, his sparkling eyes watching his new fiancée constantly and the widest grin on his face. They make a truly handsome couple, and Murdock hugs him as tightly as he dares as he whispers his congratulations in Face’s ear, before Sosa almost immediately appears and pulls Face away to greet someone.

Sosa also seems delighted, though her smile is tighter than Face’s as she works the room, talking to colonels and generals – the whole of Benning seems to have been invited, naturally, and Murdock soon loses track of the happy couple as they are swept away into the crowds.

He slips away as soon as he can, heading back to Hannibal’s little house with two bottles of gin lifted from the open bar, oddly relieved when both BA and Hannibal arrive home soon after. They get quietly drunk together, taking about everything and nothing. It feels a little like they are babysitting him, but he’s too grateful for their company to care.

And then, barely a week later, it happens. 

* * *

“She’s gone.” Face is visibly shaking in spite of his back brace, his eyes wide and wild, and Murdock reaches out immediately to pull him into his arms right there on the doorstep. It’s the moment he’s been waiting for, if he’s being brutally honest with himself, though he’s been dreading it too.

For a long moment Murdock just holds Face, one hand resting on a stiff spine and one at the nape of Face’s long neck. “What do you mean?” he asks eventually. “Where’s she gone?”

Face takes a long, shaky breath before answering. “Washington. Promotion.”

“Oh, Face. No.”

“She gave me back the ring.” Face pulls away then, reaching into the pocket of his designer jeans and producing that gorgeous sapphire, holding it out to Murdock as if proposing to him now. “I said we could do long distance, or I could get a transfer, but she didn’t want that. Didn’t want me anymore.”

“Oh, Face.” Murdock knows he should say something else – something more useful, more helpful, more reassuring – but as the first tear slips down Face’s cheek all he can do is reach out again.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart_ \- Christina Westover


End file.
